Monday, April 19, 2010

Dracula vs. Steven Seagal

The word “epic” just isn’t awesome enough to properly describe a battle between the world’s most famous vampire and the world’s most famous pretend cop turned real quasi-cop. I must resort to Urban Dictionary to properly label the term. The word is Epictacular. I did not invent the word, but you can feel free to tell people that I did.

Let’s get right to the matchup.

1. Powers and abilities:

Dracula: super strength, supernatural speed, flight, shapeshifting, and the ability to turn into a stinky green mist that has the same effect as vodka and Redbull on young virgins.

Seagal: Super strength, super speed, invulnerability, fortune telling. He is also a master of aikido, karate, judo, kendo, and your mom.

Edge: SEAGAL!!!!!

2. Known associates:

Dracula: Shared castle with Monica Bellucci (Score!) Sucked blood from Keanu Reeves. (Fail!)

Seagal: Was married to Kelly Lebrock (Weird Science + The Woman in Red … Score!) Received private dance from Erika Eleniak in Under Seige (Score!)

Edge: SEAGAL!!!!!

3. Movie titles:

Dracula: Dracula, Dead and Loving It, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Dracula 2000, Curse of Dracula, Dracula’s Bride, Dracula’s Hip Replacement Surgery, Dr. Seuss’ Dracula

Seagal: Out for Justice, Hard to Kill, I Broke Your Spleen, Under Seige, Under Seige 2: I kick their asses again

Edge: SEAGAL!!!!!

4. Name etymology (It’s a real word. Look it up.):

Dracula – The name Dracula comes from “Order of the Dragon” (Ordinul Dragonului) an order established in 1408 primarily to defend Christianity and fight its enemies.

Seagal – The name Seagal is a shortened form of the following statement: I will punch you so hard you fly out to SEA but not before I put you in an aikido joint lock that is so painful you will see your own GALlbladder rupture. True story.

Edge: SEAGAL!!!!!

5. Memorable fights:

Dracula: Defended Transylvania from the advancing Turkish forces then impaled their still living bodies on pikes in his front yard and invited the neighbors over for a barbecue. Kicked Sir Anthony Hopkins in the nuts.

Seagal: Beat the hell out of Gary Busey and Tommy Lee Jones IN THE SAME MOVIE!!

Edge: (Busey + Tommy Lee Jones > 1400s Turkish force and Sir Anthony Hopkins’ nuts) SEAGAL!!!!!


The reserve deputy chief of the Jefferson Parish, Louisiana Sherriff’s Department puts an epicbeardman level beatdown on the lord of the undead. As if you had any doubt.

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